The Ick vs Love & Light

When You Don't Conduct Yourself as You'd Hoped

I woke up Monday morning with The Ick. You know The Ick, right? That feeling inside your chest and/or belly that develops when a situation or a conversation either didn’t go as expected, or maybe when you didn’t conduct yourself as you had hoped.

The Ick is different from the guilt, shame, and remorse we speak about in the rooms of AA, which is the horrible feeling you get when you wake up in the morning, wondering how you could have drank so much AGAIN. For more on those horrible feelings, read “Baseball Hat Days.”

The Ick is more subtle. You feel slightly squirmy. You’re in your head replaying a conversation. You wish had said something differently. You wish you had clarified something. You wonder: Do I owe an apology? Does someone owe me an apology?

Here’s an example:

On nights when it’s just me for dinner, I often order a Harvest Bowl salad from Sweet Green. The Harvest Bowl is a special treat because it’s expensive, and I should just be making myself a salad at home. That particular night, I returned home after picking up my Harvest Bowl, excited to be in an empty house, eating my special treat while watching Hacks. However, when I took the first bite, I almost broke a tooth. The rice was rock hard. I got back in my car and stomped back into Sweet Green, telling the manager that the rice was uncooked. The manager balked and said the rice wasn’t uncooked, and they’d never serve uncooked rice. It was hard from being at the bottom of the pan all day. I felt that was semantics; the bottom line was it was inedible, and I paid $20 for it. I wanted more of an apology, maybe some free focaccia bread. Both of our voices rose. I did get a new salad with fresh rice, but the whole special evening was thrown. After I ate my salad and watched Hacks, I was embarrassed about the tone I had with the manager. I didn’t yell, but I wasn’t nice either. I did not conduct myself as I wish I had. Ick.

There are a couple of lines in the Big Book¹ that speak directly to me. The lines are written in the third person. However, in our Sober Family, when you complete your Third Step with your sponsor, you are instructed to change the third person to the first person, and it’s powerful!

So the lines

• Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind?

• Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?

Become:

• Am I not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind?

• Am I not, even in my best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?

Oh man, I feel that last line SO HARD. Even when I’m trying to be helpful, I often fuck things up. And that was indeed why I felt The Ick this Monday morning.

What’s so great about AA is that there is a system to deal with The Ick. We call it 10th Stepping. I previously detailed what is involved in a 10th Step in the post "Let’s Get Into the 10th Step," so I won't repeat the whole process here. But basically, you call another recovering alcoholic and explain what’s going on in your head. She helps you identify your part in The Ick. You are feeling this way because you are jealous, or a comment affected your ego, or you are scared. Whatever it is, she helps you find the reason you are feeling The Ick, aka your part. You ask your Higher Power to remove The Ick. Then, you turn your attention to someone you can help in order to get out of your own head.

On Monday, at 6:30 a.m. I called my sober sister. I’m so lucky to have several early risers in my Sober Family who can take a 10th step call from me while I’m on my morning walk.

We discussed my issue, and she mentioned something about “love and light.” And I thought, yes, that’s the issue. Besides helping another alcoholic, my primary purpose is to bring love and light to situations, and I wasn’t sure I had done that, and that was why I was feeling The Ick.

I couldn’t go back and repair my previous interaction, but I can remember the love and light lesson for the future. And I can ask my Higher Power to redirect my thoughts this morning to someone I can help.

The Ick is unavoidable. You are human after all. The gift of recovery is having tools to work through them instead of just sitting in the discomfort or, worse, numbing it out. So the next time you wake up with that familiar feeling in your chest, remember: call someone, find your part, ask for help, and then go be of service. The Ick doesn't have to stick around all day.

Disclaimer: To err is human. Please excuse any typos or grammatical errors. I use Grammarly, but mistakes still occur. In this world of AI, they're my way of keeping things delightfully human.

1. Alcoholics Anonymous, also known as the “Big Book,” presents the A.A. program for recovery from alcoholism. First published in 1939, its purpose was to show other alcoholics how the first 100 people of A.A. got sober. Now translated into over 70 languages, it is still considered A.A.’s basic text.