Let’s Get Into the 10th Step

“Did you try turning it off and on again?”

For the past two weeks, my father has been dealing with some technical issues.      

A bit of background: He’s 86 and lives in Colorado with his girlfriend. But previously, when he lived in Red Bank, NJ, he was an arbitrator and I was his administrative assistant. One of my responsibilities was tech support and let me tell you, he kept me busy. 

His tech problems were not only caused by him being older and not understanding how a computer works. Although that was a part of it. But it was also as if a malevolent spirit or a gremlin lived in his condo, constantly causing things to go haywire. He’d lose his connection to the printer or the cable would randomly stop working. Mostly, I turned things off and on again, and that seemed to do the trick, but the issues were constant and as his assistant, I was always on call.

It seems as if his gremlin has moved to Colorado with him. Last week, he texted me that his email password wasn’t working. Then I got a notice that a replacement American Express card had been ordered. Worried he was being scammed, I tried to call him but his phone went straight to voice mail. Next text messages bounced back. Frantic I reached out to his girlfriend asking her to tell him to contact me. 

It turns out he is the one who replaced his credit cards, which were stolen from the gym. Then, unrelatedly, his SIM card stopped working, and Verizon forced him to change his email password as a security measure.  

This is more information than you need to know. What I need to explain is that I kept getting updates from my father about his technical issues. But being 1,800 miles away, I couldn’t help, and with every ding of the phone alerting me to a new problem, my blood pressure rose. Why is he telling me all this? What does he expect me to do? I can’t help him from here, and he’s the one who moved away.  

The last text I got from him said, “Unbelievable! Email not working again. And neither is laptop.” I started a response text that dripped with frustration and even leaned toward anger. Luckily, I read it to my husband Chris, who told me to pause before sending it. (Restraint of pen and tongue is always a good idea!) It was at this point that I realized I needed to 10th Step this whole situation. 

In my previous post about My Nightly Review, I briefly mentioned 10th Stepping and promised to expand on this step in the future. Well, the future is now.   

Officially, the 10th Step of the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous is: “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.” 

But there is so much more to it than that. The Big Book¹ lays it out in more detail: 

Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance is our code. (Big Book, Into Action, p. 84)

Let’s break this down. 

First, my sponsor likes to note that the Big Book says “WHEN” selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, etc. crop up. Not “IF” they crop up. Because they always crop up. Let’s not pretend we don’t get angry with people.  

So, using my resentment regarding my father and his constant updates about his technical issues, let’s go through each of the four actions included in the 10th-Step process.  

First, I’m supposed to …

Action #1 - Ask God² at once to remove the resentment. 

Did I do this? No, sometimes I have to complete steps 2 and 3 before I can get to this action. So let’s jump to 2. 

Action #2 - We discuss them (the resentments) with someone immediately.

When I realized that I was getting super annoyed at my father, I knew it was time to make a 10th Step call. I have a set list of people I call for a 10th Step. If the issue is a real doozy, I will wait until I can officially talk to my sponsor. But if I know it’s just a minor annoyance I have to get out of my head, I’ll go down the list of my sober network.  

It’s important to note that I can’t 10th Step with just any old friend. I have to reach out to someone in recovery who will officially walk me through the action steps. A friend might agree with me that my father’s behavior is annoying and I should be mad he moved away. My resentment will be validated and fueled and that’s not the point of this exercise. I need to talk with someone who understands how the official 10th Step works.

So when I get a hold of a sober friend, I tell her I need to 10th Step. She knows the drill and waits for me to tell her the details. Through the phone, I can hear her nodding along, just listening. When I get it all out, she says, “Ok, do you have a part?” And this is where I look at my resentment closely. Why am I really getting annoyed? My father is just updating me on what’s going on in his life. He’s not asking me for help. I’m not involved at all.

I realize why I’m getting mad. I want to help him, especially since it used to be my job. But being so far away I’m unable. So I feel helpless and that is leading to frustration and anger. And at the bottom of it all, there’s fear. Interestingly enough, fear is often the cause of many resentments. 

My father lives so far away, what if something really bad happens, it’s a plane flight for my sister and me to be by his side. And I’m not talking about technical issues.   

Back to the 10th Step: When I realize my part in my aggravation, my 10th Step buddy will ask, “Did you ask God to remove it?” (Action #1)  

No, I hadn’t done that yet. I tell her I will do that as soon as I end the call.

Then, she’ll ask …  

Action #3 - Do you need to make amends?

In this case with my father, no, I didn’t send the text dripping with anger. If I had, as soon as I got off the phone with my sober friend, I would’ve had to call my dad to apologize. 

Finally, we get to …

Action #4 - Now turn your attention to someone you can help. 

It is imperative that you don’t skip the final action of the 10th Step if you really want to remove your resentment. After you get off the phone, you help someone. Did you get the number of a newcomer in your last meeting? Call them. Is your friend going through a tough time? Reach out. I’m unable to help my dad with his tech issues, but there are many other people who I can help.   

After I got off the phone, officially 10th Stepping my resentment, I called a friend who I know is having a rough time. 

My 10th Step is done. And VOILA! My anger and frustration is lifted. Because the fact of the matter is, I’m glad my father found someone to love after my mother passed. I’m grateful that he has a partner who likes to do the same activities as him. Sure, it’s difficult to have him so far away. But he comes back for all the big celebrations. In fact, he’ll be back in NJ next week to celebrate two grandsons’ graduations (college and high school). And because he’s not here all the time, when he does visit, our time together is special. So I’m not really mad he moved away. 

I will add that if your resentment runs deep, you may need to repeat the above steps a few times before you can reach acceptance.  

I responded to my dad’s text, “I’m so sorry, Dad. That must be very frustrating. I wish I was with you so that I could help.”

“Love and tolerance is our code.”    

And, I asked, “Did you try turning it off and on again?   

1. Alcoholics Anonymous, also known as the “Big Book,” presents the AA program for recovery from alcoholism.

2. I use the term “God” for convenience. What I mean is a power greater than myself.