My Nightly Review in the Morning

Taking note of my progress (not perfection)!

I’m in love with my morning routine, which surprises me because I don’t particularly feel … I don’t want to say “uptight” but … like someone who loves a routine. I like to think of myself as a spontaneous, live-on-the-edge type of gal. But the truth is, a sequence of actions repeated in the morning helps center me and prepares me for the day ahead. Here’s how it goes:    

My husband Chris and I set the timer on the coffee the night before. I once heard author/blogger Jen Hatmaker talk about having your night-time self be kind to your morning self, and I always think of this when I set up the coffee before going to bed. The time varies depending on our needs of the day, but typically, the coffee pot starts at 5 a.m. so that by 5:15 a.m., our coffee is brewed. One of us volunteers to be tribute, goes downstairs to the kitchen, and brings the coffee back up to our bed. Then, for a glorious 20 minutes or so, we drink our coffee side by side while we complete The New York Times word games, Wordle and Connections, and read Heather Cox Richardson’s Letters from an American. (That woman is a machine! I’m finding it challenging to maintain a Substack once a week. She does one a day!)

But before I do any of those “fun” things, while I sip my very strong coffee (if I’m the one who made it the previous night), I do my Nightly Review. Wait, you ask, this is your MORNING routine, right? Yes, I guess I am sort of a rebel after all, and I complete a task I’m encouraged to do at the end of the day, at the beginning of my day. Why? Because my success rate of completing this daily task quadruples in the morning when the coffee has stimulated my brain. At night, my brain is mush.     

The Nightly Review is a daily assignment suggested by my program of recovery to help me track my spiritual progress. I’m unclear if it’s part of Step 10 or 11. It’s discussed on page 86 of The Big Book (BB)¹.  

Every morning, I answer a series of questions about my behavior the previous day. My Sober Sister², J, not being a rebel like me, has done her Nightly Review the previous evening and sent me her answers in an email. So it’s easy for me to reply to her email, removing her answers and adding my own.

Side note: I never address J’s responses unless she specifically asks. Sometimes I’ll say things like, “I hope your son feels better.” or “Good luck on your interview.” But this isn’t about us responding to each other. The process of sending our Nightly Review to each other in an email is just a way for us to be accountable.  

You might be thinking, reviewing where you effed up during the day feels a little masochistic. But actually, my recovery program is very forgiving, and doing this encourages me to be better. Progress, not perfection, is our goal. The Big Book even says: “But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection (morbid reflection - that’s one of my defects!), for that would diminish our usefulness to others.” (BB, p. 60) 

I thought it might be helpful to share my Nightly Review questions with you all and let you know how I typically respond. Maybe you’re in recovery, but you haven’t committed to this suggestion yet. I was about five or six years sober before I started doing this daily. Or maybe you aren’t in recovery, but you like the idea of reviewing your day and making note of ways you could improve. You could create your own list of questions to ask yourself daily. Many people already write a daily gratitude list, so these are just a few extra questions. 

Here we go: 

Did I pray?

My recovery program is spiritual, and we are encouraged to turn our will over to a Higher Power.

My answer to this first question is usually “yes.” When I’m lying in bed waiting for my coffee to brew (thank you, night-time self!), my prayers sound like, “Please show me how I can be of service today.” 

If the word “pray” makes you feel squirmy, you could change it to “Did I talk to the universe?” 

Did I meditate? 

My answer to this is always “no.” Well, not always. Every once in a while, I try to meditate. But I don’t do it every day. I wish I did. I wish it were part of my morning routine. It’s just not. “Not yet,” I say. #goals. Progress, not perfection.   

Was I resentful?

Typically, there is something during the day that has irked me. I’m human, after all. It could be something minor, like “The pharmacist was rude to me,” or something more significant, like “I resent the patriarchy.” I jot it down here. I get it out of my head.

My recovery program takes resentment very seriously. 

“But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is finitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings, we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again.” (BB, p.66)

It doesn’t mean we are not supposed to get resentments. It means when we get them, we deal with them immediately; otherwise, they will lead us back to the drink. And if we drink, we might die. 

So, if I haven’t previously dealt with it, I write my resentments in my Nightly Review email to get them out of my head. 

Was I selfish? 

When I first started working with my sponsor, I said to her, “The problem is I’m too self-LESS. I need more ‘me’ time. I need more ‘self-care.’” I give her major props for not spitting out her coffee. 

My problem wasn’t that I didn’t have enough “me” time. My problem was that I was in my head, thinking about me—what you thought about me, why you didn’t give me more credit, why you didn’t ask me for help, why you didn’t laugh at my joke. Me. Me. Me.

Who said, “I don’t think much of myself, but I’m all I think about?” That’s me. So, when answering this question, I don’t think so much about the typical ways you might say someone is selfish, which is defined as “lacking consideration for others.” But was I in my head thinking about myself?    

Was I dishonest (lie of omission or self-delusion)? 

My Sober Sister recently added the parenthesis, and I’m glad she did. When I first got sober, I didn’t think I was a liar. If you know my story, you might be spitting out your coffee now. But it’s true. It wasn’t until I wrote out my actions in black and white when I did the steps that I realized I was dishonest. I was Queen of the Lie of Omission. I may have told you I took the kids to Chuck E. Cheese, but oh, did I not tell you that I drank two vodka cranberries before I left and took a roadie with me?

I don’t lie anymore. Or I try really really hard not to. Not even white lies. For example, if I’m turning down an invite, I don’t give a false excuse. I just say, “Thank you, but I won’t be joining you.” This doesn’t mean I hurt people. I keep my mouth shut if the only choice is to hurt them or lie.

This is one “rule” of the program I love because of its simplicity. Don’t lie. In general, it’s an easy one to follow. But if I do lie, then I immediately call myself out on it and make amends if I have to.    

Was I afraid? 

I’m the parent of two young adults and one teen, so there is rarely a day that I’m not worried. (For more on that, see my Substack You Could Let It All Go.) I put my fears down in the email to get them out of my head. But often, I’m also worried about what people think of me. (See “Was I selfish?” above). I put those self-centered fears here, too. 

Have I kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once?

In my recovery program, we have a process to get rid of our resentments or fears; it’s called “The 10th Step.” The 10th Step is a wonderful tool, and it needs its own dedicated Substack, so I won’t explain the whole process here. But the above question means, “Did I call someone to discuss and get rid of my fear or resentment?” If the answer is no, I do it immediately. (Or at a more reasonable time because it’s usually around 5:30 a.m. at this moment.)   

Was I kind and loving toward all? 

Here is where I have to admit things like “I was rude to the pharmacist” or “I had a tone with Chris.” Sometimes I say, “Not in my head!” It’s a wonderful day when I can answer “yes” to this. 

“Love and tolerance of others is our code.” (BB, p.84) 

What could I have done better? 

The answer here is usually: “Called my sponsor, ” “Called a newcomer,” or “Done a 10th Step.” Since I know walking helps my mental health, if I haven’t walked that day, I put that here. If I’ve been pretty good the previous day, if I’ve done all the things, then my answer is “meditate” because, as I said above, I rarely meditate. 

Was I thinking of myself most of the time?

Bad days for me are when I’m in my head thinking about what people think of me, what I’ve said to someone, and how things affect me. (Again, see the above “Was I selfish?”) 

Once, I heard the author Leslie Jamison, who is also in recovery, use the phrase: “The claustrophobic crawl hole of the self.” Being in self is suffocating.  

If I can put “no” here, it means I had a good day.  

Did I think of what I could do for others, of what I could pack into the stream of life? 

I’m a mother, so it’s pretty easy to say “yes” to this. I make my kids’ lunches and dinner for the family most days. But I try to think beyond that: did I call someone who was struggling with sobriety or reach out to a friend who I know is grieving? 

Do I owe an amends? 

I’m pretty good at keeping my mouth shut most days, so I don’t usually owe an apology. But if I do—and sometimes I don’t know I do until I’ve talked to another alcoholic about my behavior—but if I do, I note it here and put it on my To Dos.  

What corrective measures have I taken? 

This is the flip side to “What could I have done better?” Did I note a problem and fix it? My answers here often are: “Walked,” “Called my sponsor,” “Called a newcomer,” or “Went to a meeting.” 

I’m grateful for: 

Some days, I can easily identify what I’m grateful for. On other days, I don’t feel thankful for anything, so it’s good that I’m forced to scan my previous day and pick at least one thing. My answers here can be: “A nice night with Chris,” “Watching a movie with the kids,” “A productive day,” “My job,” or “Sobriety.” 

I pray for: 

I think about who could use a little extra support and say a mini prayer for them here.  

***

Well, that’s it. What do you think? Is this something you’d be interested in doing? 

One thing to note is that reviewing your day is not enough. The purpose of the review is to point out where you might need to take action.  

Do I owe an apology to someone? Better make it. 

Is the same person coming up on my resentment list day after day? Or the same fear? Maybe I need to figure out what’s going on there. 

Did I think of others and how to be of service to them? If not, let’s do that today.

There’s nothing more depressing than having the same mistakes noted day after day. On the flip side, when you write out what you did to help someone else, you feel great about yourself! 

1. The Big Book’s real name is Alcoholics Anonymous. It serves as a general guidebook for those working to achieve recovery through AA and its programs

2. My sponsor has many sponsees. We call this group of people our “Sober Family.” I refer to these people with whom I share a sponsor as my “Sober Sisters” or “Sober Brothers.”