Restless, Irritable, and Discontented

My current condition!

Hiya readers. As I write this on Monday morning, I’m feeling a high level of angst. In AA, we call it “restless, irritable, and discontented,” a phrase pulled from the Doctor’s Opinion in The Big Book. My chest feels like it’s clamped inside the sharp jaws of an animal trap, my hands are clenched, and my shoulders are up at my ears. My mind swings from “why don’t people appreciate me” to “I’m a worthless piece of shit.” And I cling to my husband Chris, wanting to wrap him around me as a protective layer.

Then, I read this week’s The Small Bow, a wonderful recovery Substack, mainly written and edited by A.J. Daulerio. Here’s what he said:

This week, my ego was drowning me. I couldn’t regulate my emotions, either, and it was tough to figure out if my agitation was chronic or temporary, but the tone of my voice was stabbier than usual.

SOMEONE NICE: “Hey, what’s going on? Want to talk?”

ME: Stab. Stab. Stab.

There appears to be something missing in my life, tangibly, and I don’t know what it is. Like I want a prize, something shiny, with my name on it, that can be seen from high above in the sky like that statue of Jesus in Rio. Is that too much to ask? Can’t a guy get some external validation to quiet his idiot brain and prevent it from doing something drastic?

Whoa! Yeah, me too! I LOVE when a bit of writing expresses exactly how I’m feeling. I can totally relate to: “I want a prize, something shiny with my name on it.” Then, his note about trying to figure out whether this is chronic or temporary. Ditto, A.J.! Ditto!

With my doctor’s approval, I’ve recently weaned myself off the psychotropic medication I was using (as prescribed!) to battle depression and menopause symptoms. The medication helped me get through a particularly dark time. But after almost a year on it, I felt better and wanted to try life without it.

But here’s the problem. Now, if I’m feeling angsty, I’m constantly wondering if this is a normal level of angst or if I'm headed to a severe depression, one that makes me melt into the couch.

(I so resonated with this weird melting into the couch scene from the Netflix series based on Stephanie Land's memoir Maid.)

But I know there are some regular reasons I might be feeling angsty and that I may not be headed to a major depression. They are:

• Change of seasons. The awkward phase from one season to the next always throws my mental health into a bit of a tailspin. I don’t know why.

• Our current national state of affairs. I’m not going to go there, but you know what I mean.

• Missing my regular AA meetings.

  • Due to family and work obligations, I’ve missed a couple of my regular meetings, which is never good. I’m going to “a make up” tonight.

• Being around untreated alcoholism.

  • This is a tough one because sometimes I have no choice but to be around active alcoholics. When you’re sober, it’s not fun being around someone who is slurring their words by 4 p.m. My thoughts swing from “Why is no one addressing his problem?” to “Why does he get to drink like this and I don’t?”

• My writing journey is not progressing as fast as I would like. Recently, I received an honorable mention in a Flash Fiction contest that I thought I should have won. When it comes to writing contests, I’m often the bridesmaid and never the bride. In addition, I’m learning that book publishing is a s-l-o-w process. My debut memoir is getting published, but I still don’t know on what date and what my final title is. This makes me anxious and itchy.

So I’m not surprised I’m feeling angsty, and I don’t *think* I’m headed to a major depression, but that doesn’t mean I like feeling this way. So, to help me get out of this current condition, I’m going to do the things I was taught to do and more.

What AA and My Sponsor Suggest

“We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.” Page 85, Alcoholics Anonymous aka The Big Book

I can’t tell you how often my sponsor has told me through the phone: “Daily reprieve, Liz! It’s a daily reprieve!” Luckily, AA’s Grapevine¹ app offers a handy dandy checklist to help me stay sane and sober.

What I Know Helps My Mental Health

Here are some things that I know make me feel better mentally and physically:

• Walks in the woods

• Walks with friends

• Basically walking

What An Expert Recommends

Last week, we invited Katie Morgan, a trauma-informed therapist and the founder of The Grief Ritual, to our Memoir Incubator to discuss some therapeutic techniques we can use if angsty feelings arise when writing about difficult topics. Actually, I should add that to my list of reasons I might be feeling angsty. I’m currently writing a memoir about the losses of my siblings. Duh! Of course!

Anyhoo, she told us it takes 10 regulating breaths to shift away from a high-stress state. Just 10 breaths! That seems easy to do. Feel free to pause now and take 10 deep breaths. Feel better?

She said 5-20 minutes of movement activates a parasympathetic response². See my walking solution above!

She also shared this self-hold technique developed by Dr. Peter Levine, which is easy to do when feeling stressed. I found this exercise particularly soothing, and she agreed to let me share it with you all.

So stay tuned! We’ll see if my current angsty feeling stays or passes after I put into place some solutions I’ve mentioned above. Or all the solutions I’ve mentioned above. It takes a lot to keep this alcoholic sane and sober!

Disclaimer: To err is human. Please excuse any typos or grammatical errors. I employ Grammarly, but mistakes happen. In this world of AI, they're my way of keeping things delightfully human.

1. The AA Grapevine is the international journal of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is a monthly magazine, website, and app that shares the experience, strength, and hope of AA members and friends. It is often referred to as "our meeting in print.”

2. I had to Google “parasympathetic.” Here’s what I found: “The parasympathetic nervous system is responsible for the body's rest and digestion response when the body is relaxed, resting, or feeding. It basically undoes the work of sympathetic division after a stressful situation.” ScienceDirect