Four Basic Suggestions for Newcomers in AA
The lessons I learned by the light of a candle.
When I first got sober 13 years ago, I regularly attended a weekly beginner’s meeting, the Red Bank Welsh Farm Candlelight Group.
Side note: I delight in the quirky naming convention of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings. This meeting could be named for the church where it takes place, Holy Trinity Lutheran Church, but instead, it’s named for the convenience store that’s a block away. So random!
As the name indicates, this meeting is conducted in the dark by candlelight. When I first started attending, they used an actual candle, but nowadays, at the request of the church, they use the battery-operated flameless variety.
The atmosphere of the darkened room allows for a more intimate experience and gives a nervous beginner more cover to share, which is the point.
The meeting leader begins each meeting by reading a script of suggestions for newcomers, typically offering a personal note with each one. Week after week, I would hear this advice. Thank God, because in early recovery, my brain was mush, and I needed to be told the same thing over and over again for it to sink in.
And the thing with recovery is, even when you have several years of sobriety, when the shit hits the fan, you go back to the basics and do the things you were told to do when you first got sober. Luckily, that candlelight meeting has drilled those things into my head.
Here are four basic suggestions I learned in that meeting:
Go to 90 Meetings in 90 Days
When you first enter AA, it is suggested that you attend one meeting daily for 90 days. Why? Attending a meeting a day helps you learn more about the program. It helps to make recovery a healthy daily habit. You’ll meet other recovery alcoholics, and they’ll meet you. It gets you out of the house and/or out of the bar.
I did not attend 90 meetings in 90 days. I wish I had, but I just didn’t think I could swing it between caring for my kids and my part-time job. To be honest, I totally could have. But it’s one of those suggestions that I balked at. I couldn’t possibly do that, as I’m too busy! <eyeroll> I wasn’t too busy drinking vodka cranberries every day. I did try to attend as many meetings as possible. And I made a point of going to different meetings. Step meetings, open discussion meetings, women-only meetings. To learn more about the different types of meetings, see my other post FAQs about AA.
Find a Sponsor
I’m going to admit this suggestion isn’t easy. It means you have to talk to people before and after the meeting, and find someone that you might gel with. It’s like dating, and when you find the right person, you have to say, “Will you be my sponsor?” It’s awkward for sure, but completely necessary.
In my experience, you cannot recover from alcoholism without someone to show you the ropes and take you through the steps. Remember, this person was just like you once, scared and unsure.
Here’s some more advice: Don’t be so picky. Find a person who has a light in their eyes, who has something that you want, a happiness, a spark. They don’t have to be older than you. My sponsor once told me she knew a 17-year-old who sponsored a 70-year-old.
Also, keep in mind that you can change your sponsor at any time. So it’s not like you have to commit to this person for life. If it doesn’t work out for some reason, you can switch sponsors.
In those early days of recovery, I would complain about my life meeting after meeting. The women would ask me, “Do you have a sponsor?” No, I would admit. I was tired of them hinting I needed one, so I got up the courage to ask a woman leading the meeting. She seemed to know what she was talking about. She said “Yes,” but then nothing much changed. I realize now that she was trying to gently give me suggestions, but I didn’t understand. I needed someone with a more heavy-handed approach.
When things were not getting better in my life, and I was complaining to another woman, she asked me what step I was on, and I shrugged because my sponsor and I hadn’t talked about the steps.
“Oh,” she said, “my sponsor immediately brought me through the steps.” That’s what I needed, clear direction and actions to take. So I asked THAT woman “Would YOU be my sponsor?” There were no hard feelings with the first sponsor. That’s not how it works in AA.
Find a Home Group
I think I’ve said this a gazillion times in this Substack, but a home group is a meeting or group of meetings that an AAer member designates as their "official" meeting—the one they don’t miss week after week. It can’t just be any old meeting. It has to be a meeting where you can accept service responsibility, like making coffee or being a greeter at the door. It’s where you celebrate your recovery milestones.
How do you find a home group? Similarly to finding a sponsor, you attend several meetings and then find one that feels right. Again, this is not a lifelong commitment; you can change home groups at any time.
My home group is a large, energetic group. We are quick to clap and laugh. We have good treats and good people. We are the best home group in the state of New Jersey. <wink> Join us!
And lastly, Don’t Drink and Go to Meetings
It’s really that simple, I promise.
There are more suggestions I could pass on, but this is enough to chew on for now.
If you are struggling with alcohol or addiction, AA can help. Visit AA.org to find a meeting near you.
Disclaimer: To err is human. Please excuse any typos or grammatical errors. I employ Grammarly, but mistakes happen. In this world of AI, they're my way of keeping things delightfully human.