Surviving the Season with Grace and Dignity

A sober warrior's guide to punching up the holidays.

Well, here we go. The holidays are around the proverbial corner. (I don’t really know what “proverbial” means, but it sounds cool.) From now until January 2nd, the supermarket lines are long, and the tensions are high. 

We recovering drunks do not enter into the holidays lightly. Triggers abound during this festive season. Besides being tempted by Martha Stewart’s delicious Christmas Punch, there are forced family interactions with the same people who, either by nature or nurture, drove us to drink in the first place. Other factors, such as loneliness if you’re estranged from your family or feelings of worthlessness when you’ve forgotten to move the elf for the third night in a row, get stirred up in the giant proverbial punch bowl (Am I using that correctly now?), making the holidays, well to say the least, stressful.   

What I love about my sober family is that no one is like, “Oh good! The holidays are here. Get ready for twinkly elves and candy cane rainbows.” Instead, it’s like, “This is war, and we are going to suit up in our armor and enter this season prepared and protected.” 

I’ve been sober for 12 years, and I do not want to relapse. If I drink, I die. Does that sound dramatic? Think about it: do YOU know someone who has died either directly or indirectly from the disease of alcoholism? Of course you do. There’s no guarantee that if I pick up a drink, I’m going to make it back into the rooms of recovery. My brother William tragically didn’t. Therefore, I know I must be vigilant about my sobriety during the holidays. 

In addition, I’m not only trying to “not drink” this season; I am also trying to “do no harm” when participating in holiday gatherings. I don’t want to get in fights with my wingnut conspiracy theorist uncle* or pout like a teenager when my father pays more attention to my husband than me. I want to make it through the festivities not only without drinking but without having to make amends for my behavior. (See Thank the Speaker for more on saying you’re sorry.)

Through the examples of sober people who have come before me, I’ve learned how to protect myself this holiday season and hopefully make it through with grace and dignity. I’ll share these tips with you now because … 

1) If you’re struggling with recovery, this advice might help.

and 

2) Even if drinking is not your problem, these tips might help you get through a stressful season.

Lower Your Expectations

“My serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations. The higher my expectations of other people are, the lower is my serenity. I can watch my serenity level rise when I discard my expectations.” - Alcoholics Anonymous aka “The Big Book,” p. 452

Expectations are like Gremlins in that classic Christmas movie. They appear cute and cuddly initially but feed them after midnight, and you get a slimy, snarling monster. The minute I start thinking, this dinner will be fantastic, and everyone will love my pumpkin pie, I’m setting myself up to be disappointed, angry, or hurt. Conversely, if I’m imagining the fights I’m going to get in with my uncle, I’m predetermining a shitty evening that otherwise might have been pleasant.

When I start thinking an event will go a certain way or people will react a certain way, it’s time to call another sober person and check my expectations. See the tip below for more. 

Bookend the Event

If I’m going to an event where I know there is going to be heavy drinking or just an uncomfortable social situation, I’ve been instructed to “bookend it.” That means I call a sober friend before and after the event. (It does not have to be the same friend for both calls.) It’s like an accountability partner. This person helps you center yourself before the activity, removing any expectations or fears you may have. Then, when you call your friend afterward, you can spew out all your resentments. (If you have any, I don’t want to assume you had a bad time). It’s important to get your resentments out of your head so that you don’t take them out on an innocent person in the checkout line when you go to buy a pint of peppermint bark ice cream to drown your sorrows in. Or gallon, I’m not judging.     

Wash the Dishes

I can clearly remember the direction my sponsor gave me when heading into my first sober Thanksgiving.

“There are always dishes to wash during the holidays. When you feel uncomfortable, gather the dirty dishes and wash them. As an added bonus,” she said, “you are being of service.” 

My first sober Thanksgiving was at my parents’ vacation house in Pennsylvania. When I started to feel squirrely, I went into the kitchen to wash dishes, but my mother and cousin were there, sipping their Scotch and chitchatting. I so wanted to be a part of that moment, but I knew in my delicate sober state, I couldn’t be there in the kitchen with them and not drink. So, I went outside and cleared a trail in the woods instead. It wasn’t washing the dishes, but it was the same idea. I got away from the drinking and made myself busy to pass the time and keep my mouth shut. 

Bring Your Own Car
(I was going to add “and your phone,” but who would go anywhere without their phone these days?)

In early sobriety, if I was heading to a social gathering that I knew was going to be tough for me—either because I was awkward in social situations without a drink in my hand or I would be tempted to drink—I was told to bring my own car. That way, when I started to feel twitchy, I could leave the party on my own terms before anything bad happened.

If you are heading to a party at your in-laws and you know your spouse will want to stay longer than you, take separate cars. It may not be environmentally friendly, but in the interest of staying friendly with your in-laws, it may be the best option.   

Just Go to Bed

Due to my actions during my drinking days, things on the homefront were really, really difficult in my early sobriety. Tensions were high, and tempers flared. I was having a hard time being in the middle of it without my trusted vodka to get me through. 

“Just go to bed,” I remember my sponsor saying. And I was like, “At 8 p.m.?” And she said, “Yup, if that’s what you need to do to make it through another day without a drink.” So I did. After putting the kids to bed, I’d put on my PJs and crawl into bed with a book, avoiding a tension-filled evening.  

If, at some point during this holiday season, you’re alone on your couch, scrolling through Instagram, and feeling horrible because everyone else seems to be having a grand ole time with their loving family, then just put yourself to bed. Tomorrow is a new day.

Take a Walk

This is not something I’ve heard in recovery rooms. However, I know from my own experience that taking a walk around the block is always a good idea. Have you ever gone on a walk and thought, “I wish I hadn’t done that?” I haven’t. 

If, after dinner, you are anxious and uncomfortable and maybe a little gassy, go for a walk around the block. Invite others to join you. A blast of fresh air is always helpful to everyone’s mood.    

Go to a Meeting
(Obviously, this is specific to those in recovery.) 

Like the above Take a Walk, have you ever gone to a meeting and thought, “I wish I hadn’t come.” No, never. Increase your meetings over the holidays. That’s Sobriety 101. Go here to find a meeting.  

My home group meeting** is on Wednesday nights. So every year on the night before Thanksgiving—the busiest night of the year for bars, one that I might have called “amateur night” in my drinking days—all of us drunks are gathered at a meeting, usually in a festive mood. There’s something about this scenario that tickles me.  

Pat Yourself On the Back When It’s Over

On January 2nd of every year, my sober family throws a party to celebrate making it through the holidays without drinking and with a minimal amount of amends (we hope). While nibbling sugar cookies and sipping coffee, we sigh in relief that the season is over and pat ourselves on the back for surviving.

Give yourself a treat for making it through the holidays. I know your credit card is maxed out, but return that gift your wingnut uncle gave you and buy yourself something you really want. You deserve it. 

By the way, here’s a recipe for a non-alcohol Christmas Punch you can make. But remember to have no expectations about whether or not your uncle will like it. 

* I have no such uncle. It’s just an example.

** A home group meeting is the meeting a person in recovery commits to going to week after week. It’s where one celebrates anniversaries and where “everybody knows your name.”