On Self-Righteous Anger

Oh, that's right, I'M the A**hole!

My trip to VT a few weeks ago for a writer’s conference was the first time I drove our electric vehicle on a long road trip. I love a road trip, but the extra step of finding where to charge the car made me nervous. Add Hurricane Debby to the return trip’s itinerary, and I was wishing I had driven the gas-powered minivan. Charging during a flood seemed like an extra complication I didn’t need. So it was with flustered anxiety that I pulled into the Woodbury Commons Outlet in New York to charge.

At first, I couldn’t find the chargers. A Tesla and I were driving in circles around the large complex. When I finally located them (they were in the parking garage!), I reversed into the spot to charge, but a guy was already using the station that was designated for my parking spot. I got out of the car and tried to figure out what was going on. I walked back and forth, looking at the various chargers and then looking at the dude. Clearly, I was trying to show him with my body language that I was annoyed he was using my charger. Why wasn’t he using the one that was designated for HIS spot? Because of the way everyone was parked, I couldn’t get to the empty station to charge. I huffed and puffed, my resentment growing with each minute that ticked by. Then, the dude reclined his car seat, deciding to take a nap, which seemed like an extra F.U. to my obvious agitation! After about 10 minutes, he woke up from his nap and said, “I’m almost done.” 

“Why aren’t you using this charger?” I said, pointing to the one he should have been using. I’m sure my tone had an edge. 

“It’s broken,” he replied, which the rational part of my brain had already assumed.   

“You know,” he said, pointing across the garage, “There’s a group of Electrified America chargers over there.”

Um, NO, I didn’t know that! And actually, that is the brand of chargers I was supposed to be using since we have a year's worth of free charging with that company. I thanked him profusely, which I hope made up for my passive-aggressive pacing and my tone, and drove over to the correct charger. I plugged in my car and got myself a shake from Häagen-Dazs. When I calmed down, I realized I was the a**hole in that whole scenario.  

Let’s talk about self-righteous anger. 

Usually, I pride myself on seeing all sides of a story. When I see someone parked over the line in a parking lot, I assume that person parked that way because a previous parker had blocked his spot. I try not to get angry at those types of things. Or if someone (and by someone, I mean one of my kids) acts badly, I can usually forgive their outburst by understanding it came from a place of fear or insecurity.   

But lately, I’ve been taking a long drag off of the drug known as “self-righteous anger.” In fact, the other day, I woke my husband up because in my sleep, I was yelling, “You’re a d*ck, and you’re a d*ck, and you’re a d*ck.” Haha, I was having a dream that I was a waitress, and I was telling off all my customers who were, well, acting like d*cks. 

Here is what AA says about “self-righteous anger.” 

“Self-righteous anger also can be very enjoyable. In a perverse way, we can actually take satisfaction from the fact that many people annoy us, for it brings a comfortable feeling of superiority. Gossip barbed with our anger, a polite form of murder by character assassination, has its satisfactions for us, too.” -Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)

Ugh, yes. Self-righteous anger can do for me what alcohol once did. It can make me feel better about myself by making me feel superior. By focusing on someone else’s defects, I can minimize my own.

“Here we are not trying to help those we criticize; we are trying to proclaim our own righteousness.” -12 & 12

Ugh, I can relate. 

In fact, my original idea for this week’s Substack was to allude to something a person said to me that was not only wrong but hurt my feelings. I wanted to tell the world how they acted improperly, making me feel superior. As if I never acted improperly!

When I think about my actions regarding this person’s comment, I realize that, similar to the charging story, I was acting poorly. I told everyone what that person did to hurt my feelings, which was “gossip barbed with my anger.” Ew, I don’t want to gossip. 

When I talked to my sponsor about the situation, she said, “It’s not what this person said or did; they are just acting the way they always act; it’s why are YOU choosing to be so affected by it? What’s going on in your life that is making you react so strongly to what they said?” 

Ah yes, as usual, I’m the a**hole. I need to look at myself and my own reactions.

It's time to step up my spiritual practice. Ask my higher power how I can be useful in this crazy world. Serve someone who needs my help. Stop focusing on other people’s actions.       

“Could we then foresee that troublesome people were to become our principal teachers of patience and tolerance?” - 12 & 12, p.141

We are in a tumultuous time in our history. It seems to me that our political views are the most divisive they’ve ever been. Every morning when I read the news, I fall into the trap of thinking, “I’m right, and you are wrong,” and I use that as fuel to feel better about myself. 

Instead of feeding my self-righteous anger with news, I need to ask my higher power, what can I do to bring love and understanding into my everyday actions?

“Love and tolerance of others is our code.” Alcoholics Anonymous, p.84

Even when charging.