How to Eat Fried Worms

Why we could all benefit from a little Alanon.

Does anyone remember the children’s book How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell? It was one of my favs as a kid. In my quick Internet search, I learned that the author was the son of Norman Rockwell (!) and grew up in Vermont. Of course, he did. Written in 1973, the book was about a boy named Billy who accepts a $50 bet to eat one worm per day for 15 days. Billy tries various ways to disguise the disgusting taste, such as smothering the worm in ketchup or mustard.

Why am I talking about fried worms? Well, recently, my friend told me the following worm story. It’s a parable, I guess?

A woman is married to a sick and suffering alcoholic. He won’t stop drinking, no matter how hard she begs and pleads. Finally, one day, he says, “I will stop drinking if you eat a half a plate of worms.” 

“Are you serious?” she asks. 

“Yes,” he says emphatically. “I won’t pick up another drop of alcohol if you cook and eat a half a plate of worms. I promise!” 

She ponders this request. It is odd for sure, but she loves her husband and is desperate to get him to stop drinking; it’s killing him. She would do anything to help him. So she agrees. 

She digs up some worms from the backyard and rinses them off. She prepares the worms in an attempt to make them edible. Perhaps she read the book How to Eat Fried Worms and copies Billy’s attempts to mask the taste using ketchup or mustard. When cooked, she pours the worms onto a plate and proceeds to eat them. It’s difficult to get them down. They are worms, after all. But she understands if she completes his request, her husband won’t drink anymore, and life will be better. She gets down the half portion as he requested. 

“I did it!” she said. “I ate a half plate of worms.” 

He looks at the plate and looks at her. Then he proceeds to the fridge, pulls out a beer, cracks it open, and takes a long swig. 

“What?” she stutters. “You said …. you promised! If I ate a half a plate of worms, you wouldn’t drink another drop.” 

“You ate the wrong half,” he replies. 

<mind blown>

Why was I being told this parable? Well, in these Substacks, I try to get as specific as possible so that you can hear my story and relate, if not to the story itself but to my feelings. However, my friends and family did not sign up to have their problems discussed in my Substack. So, when talking about any issue with a loved one, I will keep it vague. Sorry! 

Oftentimes, when I tell my recovery story to “normies,” explain how I went through the Twelve Steps and how they changed my life, they say how they wish they had a Twelve Step program for their problems such as depression, anxiety, or life in general. I couldn’t agree more because completing the Twelve Steps was transformative for me, and I’m sure others, non-alcoholics, could benefit from them as well. 

However, more than everyone participating in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), I feel like almost everybody would benefit from Alanon. 

What’s Alanon? Founded in 1951, Al-Anon is a “worldwide fellowship that offers a program of recovery for the families and friends of alcoholics, whether or not the alcoholic recognizes the existence of a drinking problem or seeks help.” 

Usually, in your first Alanon meeting, you hear the three Cs.

1. You didn’t CAUSE it.

2. You cannot CONTROL it.

3. You cannot CURE it. 

Members of Al-Anon learn they are not responsible for another person’s disease or recovery. They are given tools to let go of their preoccupation with another’s behavior and lead happier and more manageable lives with dignity and rights. And because it is a spiritual program, lives guided by a Higher Power. 

Although Alanon is specifically for people who are impacted by alcoholism or addiction, I believe the tenets of Alanon, which emphasize being content with oneself amidst a world of chaos, can be applied to almost any relationship and/or relationship struggle. It deals with YOUR reaction to another person’s unmanageability or situations beyond your control. Take, for example, if your loved one suffers from depression. 

1. Nothing you did, such as a missed date or forgotten birthday, caused their depression, even if they say otherwise. 

2. You can’t control their depression by making them soup or cracking jokes. 

3. Only THEY can deal with their depression. YOU cannot.  

And like the worm story, you can do all the right things to “fix” someone, and still, nothing changes. 

To be honest, I’ve only been to a handful of Alanon meetings in my life. Once, I was forced to go as a teenager when my brother William was sent to rehab. All I remember from that experience is that I hated holding hands with the old people at the end of the meeting. Once, I went for support with a friend who was struggling with an active alcoholic relative. And the last time I attended an Alanon meeting, I came as a guest AA speaker. 

But it seems to me whenever I have a problem where I reach out to another recovering alcoholic to seek advice, the issue I’m dealing with involves a relationship. Now that the alcohol has been drained from my body, life, and mind (in that order), my number one issue is relationships and navigating problems within a relationship. When I seek help for these problems, I often get an Alanon-focused suggestion, especially from my sober friends who are active in both programs. 

For me, that usually comes down to these bits of advice: 

• If there is a problem (sometimes I fabricate problems where there are none), but if there is one, it usually has nothing to do with me.

• Accept that this is the way the person is. Sometimes, when I complain about someone to my sponsor, she’ll respond with, “Oh (fill in the person’s name)!” The point being that the person is acting the way they always act. Why am I surprised? That is who they are. Another parable, the Scorpian and the Frog, illustrates this point.

• Stop believing there’s some magical assortment of steps you need to figure out that will make another person feel better. (The worm story.) You might think if I just did this or that, my loved one would stop acting one way or another. That’s not true. Just stop it.

• Turn your attention to someone you CAN help. Take an action to be of service to someone who is actually asking for your help. For me, that’s helping a newcomer in AA. If you don’t have a service opportunity immediately available, then go wash the dishes. There are always dishes to wash.

At the start of my AA home group meeting, we light a candle, the Candle of Hope we call it. Each week, the leader of the meeting picks someone to light it. That person says some version of: “We light this candle of hope so that the still sick and suffering alcoholic both inside and outside these rooms will see the light and find us.”

Stop eating worms. But feel free to light a candle and hope. And if you’re having trouble in a relationship, call someone active in Alanon. They usually have the best advice.  

If you feel you could benefit from an Alanon meeting, you can find one here. 

PS - There were many images of real worms on a plate that I could have used for this Substack. But they made me gag. It’s too gross. So here’s a pic of gummy worms.