An Alcoholic's Trade Secrets
Alternating liquor stores and other weird things I did to hide my drinking problem.
Howdy, readers! Can you believe it’s July already? A few housekeeping notes before I jump into my topic for today. My family and I are taking a trip to Germany in two weeks, and although I’d like to be organized and have that week’s Substack prewritten and scheduled to go out on that Tuesday I’m away, I doubt that will happen. So, due to my vacation plans, there will most likely be a skipped week here or there over the summer. Maybe I’ll share pictures from our trip!
Now, on to today’s recovery topic:
When I finally admitted to others that I had a drinking problem, some people were like, “Uh, no shit Sherlock” while others were like, “Really? I mean, I know you enjoy a cocktail… but alcoholic, are you sure?”
I was sure, but I understood why some people didn’t realize I had a problem. I went to great lengths to hide my alcoholism. I was pretty good at it! But all that scheming, lying, and lying by omission was time-consuming and exhausting.
Drinking the way I needed to drink while hiding my drinking was a full-time job.
I kept all my little drinking schemes secret until I went to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and heard other people share and realized other alcoholics were doing the same thing I was doing! Hearing other people’s alcoholic secrets made me feel less ashamed, less crazy, less alone.
In one meeting, an elderly, well-put-together woman shared that storing her vodka bottle in her tall leather boots in the closet served two purposes: hiding her vodka and keeping her boots in good shape. All the women in the room laughed.
So, I’d like to share some of my secret alcoholic rituals with you now. Perhaps you’re struggling, and hearing what I did will help you feel less alone. If that’s the case, I encourage you to go to an AA meeting if you haven’t already. Or perhaps you have a loved one who’s getting help for their alcoholism, and you’re questioning whether or not they are an alcoholic. If that’s the case, please know you probably don’t know the whole story.
Here are some of the things I did when I was an active alcoholic to hide my drinking:
Instead of putting empty beer cans in the recycling bin where my husband Chris might see them, I stored them in the cabinet under the sink. I’m not sure what my plans were after that point. I probably tossed them in the trash when I knew Chris wouldn’t be around. But to be honest, when I was drinking, I didn’t think much past the next drink.
By the way, recycling is a WHOLE thing with alcoholics. There are so many stories in AA about people not knowing what to do with their empties—not wanting the neighbors or the garbagemen to see the number of empty bottles in the recycling bin. This fear could be paralyzing and lead to some wonky behavior. Just read Augusten Burroughs’ memoir Dry and how he came home from rehab to find a gazillion empties standing up like soldiers on the floor of his small NYC apartment.
One night, when I was around 25 years old, living in the city with my friend Kelly, I was drinking alone in our apartment when I ran out of beer before I hit the desired feeling of oblivion. (This was before I switched permanently to vodka.) Kelly and her fiancé (now husband) Scott had been given a bottle of champagne as an engagement gift, and it was just sitting there in the fridge. That night, I popped that puppy open and drank it. The next morning, I felt horrible for drinking their gift, so I replaced it and hoped she wouldn’t notice there was no gift bow around it anymore. Then, it happened again: another night, drinking alone in my apartment, and the beer didn’t get the job done, so I drank the champagne again and replaced it again. I told myself to leave it alone. Replacing the champagne was getting expensive. But then, I did it AGAIN. That champagne bottle in the fridge was like a magnet pulling me to it night after night. Finally, Kelly returned to the apartment before I had a chance to replace it. When she never said, “Where’s my champagne?” I just stopped replacing it.
Kelly, did I ever make amends for that? If not, I’m sorry!
Towards the end of my drinking, here’s a ritual I practiced at least once a week: I’d get $20 cash back when I went to the grocery store. The next time my husband would be away for the night, I’d take the kids on some outing—a day at the beach or a trip to a zoo. On our way back, we’d go through the McDonald’s drive-thru to get dinner. Then, I’d swing by the liquor store and use the $20 cash to buy a bottle of vodka. Then, while the kids ate their dinner and watched a movie, I’d drink.
I used cash so that Chris wouldn’t see I was buying something at the liquor store.
I drank vodka so you wouldn’t smell it. Plus, it got the job done faster than beer.
I bought a specific brand and size of vodka for just under $20. With the amount I was drinking, it would have been more cost-effective to buy a handle of vodka, but I didn’t because I knew it would be more difficult to hide. A handle wouldn’t fit in a boot in my closet.
I alternated the liquor stores I went to. One day, it would be Vingo. Another day, Spirits Unlimited. I was worried the dudes working in the store would notice I was coming often and judge me. (I mean, the self-centered thinking is unbelievable!) One time, this backfired on me. I went to Spirits Unlimited in Shrewsbury one day and Spirits Unlimited in Red Bank the next day, and the same dude was working at both places. Gasp, he must have realized I was an alcoholic. Good grief! By the way, I’ve heard other people share this alternating liquor stores or alternating bar story from the podium so many times. This is a thing we alcoholics do!
Again, towards the end of my drinking, I opened a credit card Chris didn’t know about to avoid having to get $20 cash back. But I couldn’t easily pay the monthly credit card balance with the money from our joint bank account. So I’d go to the post office and get a money order. But again, I’d have to use $20 cash from the grocery store. So it defeated the whole purpose of opening a credit card in the first place. As I said, an alcoholic only thinks ahead to the next drink and says to themselves: “I’ll deal with the consequences later.” Each month, I only paid the bare minimum and the interest accrued. And I had the added hassle of having to go to the post office to get a money order and mail the payment.
(It’s so funny to me now that when I first got sober, I had trouble admitting my life was unmanageable! Just look at this unmanageability!)
And there were other small things. I’d secretly refill my drink at a dinner party so you wouldn’t notice I was one or two drinks ahead of the rest of the guests. I once left a neighbor’s party that didn’t serve alcohol, went home and drank, and then returned.
Then, there were things that I heard in AA meetings that I wished I had thought of. One woman bought prepaid credit cards to get around her husband noticing the liquor charges. Brilliant! One woman would excuse herself during dinner at a restaurant to use the restroom and stop by the bar for a quick shot of tequila. If only we alcoholics could use our scheming powers for good, we might save the world. But unfortunately, our diabolic planning seems only to work if there is alcohol involved.
So there you have it. Like I said, this might be a surprising view inside the mind of an alcoholic. Or maybe you’re like, “Oh yes, been there, done that!”
For me, I’m so grateful for recovery and that I don’t have to keep doing all these secret schemes to get drunk. It was exhausting!
Disclaimer: To err is human. Please excuse any typos or grammatical errors. I employ Grammarly, but mistakes happen. In this world of AI, they're my way of keeping things delightfully human.
I dont know what to say, do I need to say anything at all other than I'm glad you've simplified your life exponentially.